I haven’t been here in almost a month. My, how time flies. I’ve been going through a bit of a ‘slump’, personally, and just mostly trying to get through that. Thanks to those of you who have stuck with me.
School’s going pretty well…my grades have slacked off just a bit lately. Nothing serious, but I’m sure it has to do with that slump because I have been having a lot of difficulty concentrating, and have been fighting off discouragement. Again, nothing serious. I have hope still…always. One has to have hope or there is nothing. My hope is in my faith. It’s not in other people, for certain, nor is it in myself, nor is it in my circumstances. I fail others and myself.
But that brings me to these thoughts today, about how I’m just not good. There are those who would be ready to come along and say, “I know THAT’s right!” There would be others who would quickly chastise me and try to point out all the good that is in me. But I know who and what I am. I can say honestly that I have a kind heart…I always have. I care about people. But I also have a quick temper…quicker with the age I’ve accrued, for certain. I’ve always been stubborn…very stubborn. But I haven’t always been as opinionated as I am. When I was young, I questioned things deeply, and through that, I developed my opinions and ideas…and the things that I found to be true through it all. Really, the only thing true through it all is the goodness of my Father God and his love and mercy…and the truth of my Christian faith.
I’ve had a week that hasn’t gone so well in some ways. I would say it has nothing to do with the way the election went on Tuesday, but that’s not true, because indirectly it has. It’s not about the actual results as much as it’s about the ripple effect the whole thing has had among families and friends. But that’s just part of it.
I can say another thing about myself that some might call ‘good’. I am true. If you’re my friend and we have some sort of disagreement or ‘falling out’, I’m not going anywhere. I may step aside and give us room…but that’s usually not out of my choice. Earlier this week it was, in one of the situations. The person involved has some very real reasons why the ‘incident’ happened. But that said, it was unfair to me…and didn’t just hurt me, but hurt someone else in the process. I have my own issues and I cannot handle being in a friendship where every look, or word, or movement that I make is misconstrued to be something that it’s not. That said, I reached out to the person with a long message, and then I apologized for bad behavior on my part, out of my anger at the way that other innocent person had been hurt through it all. If that person wanted to make amends, I would set it aside to try to do so. But as I said…I’m not that ‘good’ of a person that I want to reach out anymore than I already have to make amends. The ball is in her court.
I have had other people decide to walk away from me, or become angry with me. The same thing applies. I will not lose sleep over it, because ultimately it’s God whose opinion I’m most concerned with. I’m not saying I don’t want to change what I need to change. I’m not saying I don’t want to ‘see’ those things (though sometimes I really don’t want to see them…but I do ask to see them anyway.) I’m just saying…what it boils down to, I mean…is that it’s not what other people tell me I need to change that I should worry about. I might consider those things…I do consider those things. But I also know that I have some really good friends who I have great big disagreements with, and our friendship is unaffected…because we know each other. That’s not always the case, and it’s okay…it’s going to happen. I need to let it go. Life’s not all about me…I don’t think it is. Actually, I think it’s all about God…my Father in heaven who ultimately has it all in the palm of His hand.
I will carry on…I will fight my way through this discouragement I feel right now by focusing on God’s word and His absolutely unmatchable and incredible love.
Love and blessings,