One of the bad things about just blurting out whatever pops into your head when you’re in the midst of a rant, as I did in the one a couple of articles below, is that things don’t always come out exactly according to what the intention is. I’m not apologizing here for the main thought behind what I was trying to say…but it sounded as if I was saying that as a Christian, I am not any different than anyone else. And honestly, that’s not the truth. That’s not what I believe. Do I think I’m better? NO!!! But if I’m NOT different, I certainly should be.
That said, I have been spending way too much time lately thinking on the past…thinking about younger times and things I’ve done, and perhaps dwelling on them. I’ve been reminiscing in ways that indicate that I miss those times. And the honest truth is that when I spend my time dwelling on them, rather than how far I have come from that, I do miss it. I mean, who of us that is living in a 55 year old body, wouldn’t like to go back to living into a 35 year old body, for example? I mean, people go to doctors to be ‘cut and pasted’ so that they look closer to the younger self that they’re longing for. LOL Even me…I photoshop pictures sometimes if they show too many lines, to blur all that and make myself look better. Why? I mean, the outward appearance doesn’t matter really anyway…or it shouldn’t. It does to a degree. It does to the extent of paying attention to your appearance and taking care of yourself. But as far as just getting older, why should I be ashamed of my age? Why should I long to go back to times past? In fact, they weren’t all that great all the time anyway. 🙂 I tend to hold on to the more delightful memories within those times. They definitely weren’t all so delightful. But they’ve all brought me here…to where I am now…where God has brought me. And that journey has been a lot of ups and downs, and some of those downs have been the lowest of the low. Perhaps some of what’s ahead may be too, I don’t know. But I’m not going to waste my time now, dwelling on what’s gone. At least, I’m going to try to do better.
Perhaps some of what’s going on with me is that being in this school, I am among people who are mostly the ages of my children and some even younger. Perhaps it’s sort of natural that I would kind of veer in my mind to those times in my life when I was more like they are…closer to where they are…perhaps to ‘fit in’ better or some such nonsense. And that is nonsense. But honestly, I don’t want to go there, if I really think about it. I had my time there, and that’s okay.
Anyway, when I mentioned in that article about drinking and being in a band and all of that, first of all I would like to clarify that I very rarely ever drink at all anymore, and the last time I had a drink was several months ago, a marguerita when I was out to dinner with my daughter. That’s for a few reasons. One is that I have a low tolerance to alcohol. Another is that my father had a drinking problem…and I have not forgotten the ugliness of all that, and what it did to my family growing up. Another is that I have a tendency toward depression. I tend to want a drink when I’m depressed, but alcohol is a depressant. It’s not a good thing to try to soothe yourself in some depressed state with something that will take you further down. Oh, at the time you’re downing the drinks, you feel better. But then you deal with the consequences, and you wind up even more depressed. I know some of my Christian friends think it best to stay away altogether from alcohol. I personally don’t have a problem with a glass of wine or some kind of drink, or a beer on occasion. But drinking to excess…as I did point out in that ‘rant’ article, I don’t think is good.
My point in that article was about how nobody is perfect…everyone has ways in which we can be hypocritical in our lives. I’d like to think I don’t. But that wouldn’t be accurate. I obviously do. I do if I say that Christ is the best thing in my life and then I say in the next breath that I want to go back to something else. Nobody is perfect…that’s true. We’re all sinners who fall short of the glory of God…that’s true too. I will stumble and fall at times. But I am supposed to be trying to walk in a way that is pleasing to God…to walk in the Spirit…not in the way of the world. I have to live in the world, but I’m not supposed to look the same as the world. If I’m longing to…even a little bit…I’m missing the mark.
I do not say these things with any sadness, as in, “Oh man…how I wish all this wasn’t so…how I wish I could just do what I want when I want.” I say them, remembering times in the past when I was walking as I should be…when I was staying in fellowship with the Lord…seeking Him above everything else. I remember those times, and they were the best times of my life. They were better than times of getting drunk and trying to jump over a railing into a pool when I was in that band. And they were better than simply walking in a sort of sideways direction down this journey, unsure of which way I want to go, and looking in the wrong place for directions. But I do feel a sense of sadness that I’ve veered off track as I have…that I’ve in some ways perhaps let myself forget how much better it is to walk with God, instead of going in that other direction…what joy, and what peace I had when I was walking with Him instead of trying to look off at scenery in various directions that I shouldn’t be looking toward.
So yes, I’m imperfect…and there’s nobody who knows me that I would even have to point that out to. But I will seek to do better at leaving the past there…in the past…walking the way God wants me to walk…toward Him. God has been exceedingly good to me. Some may ask how I can say that, knowing some of the trials I’ve been through. But He has shown me his love in ways I can’t ever forget. He has been with me. He has never left me. Even when I mess up, or decide to take a different path than the one He’s mapped out for me, He takes my hand and helps me back on the right one. I genuinely and completely LOVE my God, and I am not ashamed of Jesus Christ, who died to save me, and who is the model of what I truly want my life to look like. If my life in any way reflects anything that differs from that, then I am seriously off track.
I have now broken one of my personal blogging rules. LOL…I’ve exceeded 1000 words. Actually, I’ve exceeded 1200. Oh well. 🙂
Love and blessings,