I hate writing when I’m ‘in a funk’, on the one hand. But on the other hand, the reason I started this blog in the beginning was as an outlet to be able to express myself…whatever that meant.
Honestly, I don’t really even know what to say, except that my heart’s really heavy tonight. It wasn’t a bad day. Some things are weighing on me though, and I find myself having to ‘mentally’ talk myself out of thoughts that are there…thoughts like just wanting to give up, for example. Well…not just that. I do pray too. I’m not talking like giving up on life, by the way…for those who may read that into this. Just giving up on goals and things.
I just typed a paragraph and a half more and deleted them. Have to be careful just how much I share on here sometimes, since more people read these things than I ever imagined would. LOL…and I’m not complaining about that. Just saying. And if I really wanted it private anyway, I could make it that way.
I was thinking earlier this evening about something I heard…I think it came from the movie, “Facing the Giants”. It was something about people praying for rain, but asking had they prepared their fields? So the thing is…when I pray, do I prepare my fields? Do I really expect the answer to come…or do I plead and beg and worry and hope and sometimes even prepare for and expect the opposite to happen? It’s definitely something to think about.
So I’m preparing my fields. In the meantime, I may water them occasionally with my tears, and that’s okay. Much as you all know that I don’t like to cry, sometimes it’s good to, and I know that.
I was wishing earlier that God would lay me on someone’s heart…so I could talk to that person about what’s going on. But I realized I can talk to God, and He wants me to. That’s often the case I think. We want someone who we can see and touch…who can give us a hug on occasion. But I have had the amazing experience of feeling God’s love before, which is why Ephesians 3:14-21 is my favorite passage, and why I have never forgotten that experience. It was better than any warm fuzzy hug you could ever imagine. It happened almost 13 years ago during a really tough time I was going through, and it’s etched in my mind and still gives me chills and takes my breath away to think about it. So why wouldn’t I go to Him all the time first? Good question. But I think it’s human nature, no matter what we experience with God to slip back into our old ways and old thought patterns.
Truth be told, people often can’t be trusted anyway. That sounds harsh, but it’s often true. There are a lot of people who can’t wait to hear your troubles and offer you a shoulder, but as soon as you’re out of sight they’re telling someone else about it all…and not always in a kind way. And a big ha ha on that anyway. LOL…there’s not a whole lot that I don’t share myself. I’m an open book to a large extent. Maybe that’s why if someone thinks they might have a juicy secret about me it burns inside them until they drop it in someone else’s ear. 🙂 (laughing out loud)
I can’t think of anything all that ‘juicy’ about my life anyway. So none of it is a big deal. I’m just talking…just babbling, like I do when I’m down like this. Sometimes I babble when I’m up too. Ha ha…and in any case, I’m cheering myself up and giggling out loud over here now…so that’s progress.
Bottom line in all this. God is good. I have no doubt about that. He’s real, He cares, and He’s amazingly good. I was talking to someone earlier about that saying, “everything happens for a reason.” I don’t think it does though. I do think that everything that happens, can have reason made out of it though…and that all of it will fit together in end, planned that way or not.
And I’m going to bed here shortly. It’s almost 11:30 and I have to be up at 5:30. My daughter was on the computer for the last couple of hours, since I’ve been home from school. I am glad I had a chance to come on here and write this though. It has actually helped, and I think I’ll sleep better just having put some of it down like this. I didn’t even have to go into details of things, either. Awesome.
Have a great night…or a great day, depending on what time it is where you are. Gosh…if I was in South Africa I would’ve already been up an hour ago! LOL
Love and blessings…and thanks for listening,