A head full of thoughts…


…and not much to say.  Grace left today to visit her daddy for awhile this summer.  I’m still frustrated about some things that aren’t yet settled with my health.  Just when I think I have it all resolved I get another call, and it’s difficult not to be frustrated, though I’d really like to say I’m just trusting it’ll all be fine.  And I think it will.  I really do.  I’m just tired of the appointments, and got called to go in again Tuesday morning to discuss that last mammogram.

I have a ton of things to do around here, and hopefully that will keep my mind off the rest of it until school starts.  There’s plenty to work on until Grace gets back home again.  And of course school starts on the 18th for me again.  That’s just over a week away.  I’m looking forward to that, and hoping SO much that all the other stuff is behind me with these appointments.  I’m trusting for some of the other issues that need resolving in my life…like needing a vehicle!  And Traci still needs one too. 

So I know I can be thankful for a great deal right now…the dental needs being met, the health things being (sort of) taken care of…school beginning again with the promise of a good job shortly into the new year.  It also has not escaped me that there are some with worse problems right now than my own.  I have in fact dealt with a whole lot worse problems in my own life.  But I still feel the pressure.  Does that make me a bad person?  Does that make me selfish…that I want to have sufficient income to live on and reliable transportation to get myself around?  That I even want my own place again?  God knows my heart, as far as the ‘selfish’ thing goes.  I refuse to be a braggart of the things I’ve done to help others…but I will say that I am not just a taker.  Yet, that’s what I ‘feel’ like, when I have to rely on others for rides to this place or that…or when I in any way can’t just take care of myself and my own needs.  And I especially feel that way when I know there’s ‘whispering’ going on. But I also know that’s just how the world works.  People like to talk about other people and how they should be fixing their problems.  I guess it makes them feel better about their own lives.  And that shouldn’t make me angry, but it does.  But where does that feeling of anger come from really?  It comes from the fact that I feel ‘low’ myself about some of these things…so it hits home with me, and it hurts.

I am even ashamed of myself for typing this right now…for feeling some of these things that I am.  But I’m just being honest.  If I just present myself when life is good and I’m positive and bubbly, that’s not the whole picture of who I am.  That would make me some sort of fake who was trying to present some pretty image.  Lord knows, I wish I could though…I wish that was the only thing within me…happy thoughts and goodness.

I am a woman of faith.  I don’t have to prove that to anyone.  But I am also just a woman…one who gets lonely, and tired, and sometimes just feels old and…well…a mess. LOL  Doesn’t everyone feel that way sometimes?  And if so, why is it wrong to say so.

I trust God to provide my needs…and I’m asking Him to please hurry.  That’s okay too…right? 🙂

I hope you all have a terrific weekend, at any rate.  And that’s the truth. 🙂  I’m not entirely self-absorbed today! (lol)

(Oh…and apparently I had more to say than I thought I did!)

Love and blessings,

Anne

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About Anne Sikes

"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us." (2 Cor. 4:7) Sharing the journey through daily thoughts and struggles, examination of Scripture, poetry, music and art.
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12 Responses to A head full of thoughts…

  1. Skye says:

    Love you!! xoxoxo

  2. lbtk says:

    Tammy Wynette sang, “Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman…” And it is. We’re sipposed to be strong. And have a soft side. And a thousand other contradictions. Don’t despair, girl. We’ll be together all summer! Love, Sandy

  3. lbtk says:

    *supposed…I’m on the iPhone because the computer was taken over by the girls!

  4. I think that’s what we’re here for …to support or be happy for what each other are going through. And I think it’s good to write what’s in our minds and hearts when we’re feeling ‘low’ on some days. It will be good to get ‘Tuesday’ over with and know exactly where you stand with your health issue. Hopefully something is being looked at carefully and will be watched but will not be anything of a serious nature. It will feel different without your granddaughter around …that’s for sure. In any case we ‘wait’ along with you for some answers to come…..Diane

    • Anne Sikes says:

      Thanks Diane. Well, I was told the day I had the mammogram that everything that was there was on the old one that they used for comparison. Then I got the letter (phone call from the clinic where I was originally seen first, expressing concern and asking was I satisfied with the testing that had been done because they’d gotten the results in and had some concerns). The letter I received later that day said there was an area that they thought was probably benign, but for me to go back just for a precaution in 6 months for another mammogram and maybe ultrasound. So I called the hospital back the next day and talked to someone who looked over the records and said (she wasn’t supposed to really discuss it over the phone she said first) there was a mass that was new, but that they thought it was just a lymph node, so didn’t think the ultrasound was necessary that day, even though it had been on the order. She said that happens a lot and I didn’t need to worry, basically. Then today I got a call again from the clinic and they want me back in to go over the results with someone who is experienced at looking at them and all. I’d of course like to be safe with all of it and if it is anything to get it taken care of before I get started in school and get 6 months down the road with that. And I’m glad that the people at the clinic are concerned enough not to just blow it off if they see something that looks suspicious to them. But I’m also frustrated because I just don’t know what the heck to think, and I want it over with. I’m just assuming that all is well and moving along with my plans, minus all the extra time and trouble these further appointments keep taking of course. With no vehicle it’s really a problem for me to get to all these things. So I’m not in a ‘lovely’ place tonight. I’m okay though. Just sort of have a knot in my stomach. LOL I had a nice shower and was feeling better for a minute, then a somewhat stressful phone call tonight. It’s just one of those days I guess. 🙂

      • The old adage ‘it never rains but it pours’ seems to fit in this case. It will be good to get this business over with concerning the mammogram. Hopefully it is just something they want to clarify and ‘watch’. I wish you didn’t have the weekend to mull over everything but I know you are trusting God in all of it. Take care..Diane

        • Anne Sikes says:

          Thanks Diane. And yes, I really do. More than anything I’m just frustrated about the confusion with it…being told one thing and finding out something else and not knowing what’s really going on. But there are so many things lining up for the future that I am trusting all this other stuff is just annoying irritations that will turn out to be nothing in the end. Do I have a little spark in the corner of my mind that still isn’t sure? Yeah…but it’ll be okay. Thanks again, and hope you have a good weekend. ♥

  5. Hang in there Anne.
    You need to take some time to meditate and let your body heal.
    I was in a real bad wreck in 2000 and never gave up but never fully
    re-engaged with ME. Trying now through yoga,weight watchers and just seeing the Joy and saying goodbye to all of the Pain. I wish you well at the doctors. Do something pretty around the house just for you leave blogging for coffee in the morning or before you rest your body at night.
    I have always done so much each and every day and finally I can sit and bend wire into a pretty necklace and forget what time it is till I feel hungry, and I look up and it is 5 pm and I find I got lost in the day in a Good Way.

    Now as far as Mammograms go., having just had one(I put it off for every 5 years 🙂 )The girl doing it showed me on the screen these things that I though were scary and they weren’t so relax eat right and go earlier if you want assurance hard to start school and do well if something is hanging over your every thought. I hated the week to hear results but once in my hand I was grateful.

    Best of luck to you Anne.

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