Where I’m at


I’m very down today.  I feel a little like I’ve been run over by a mack truck, and a little like that little girl that I once was.  And that’s not anyone else’s fault.  It’s just that I took a ride on a bit of an emotional roller coaster yesterday that I’ve been toying with lately anyway.  Today I’m drained…sick to my stomach, and very tired.

I have talked some about my own history with depression in my life…to an extent.  I do not go into a lot of it.  That’s on purpose.  I spent years, first not knowing what was going on, and thinking I was crazy because of the feelings I had…being judged by others because of them, etc.  I didn’t understand the medical aspect of it and thought I was just weak in character too.

That said, I’m not going to talk about the extent of what I’ve been through in my life right now either…not just the depression, but the many things that very few people know about, and some that nobody knows about.  I don’t need to.  I spent a long time dealing with those ‘demons’ and moving past it all.

God is good…He has been with me through some trying times, and some horrific ones.  He is with me now, and if He wasn’t, I wouldn’t be here.  I can promise you I wouldn’t.  It is only knowing that He’s here and He loves me and that He works all things for good to those who love Him (Romans 8:28), and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13) that I can go on and have hope.  I know that this life here isn’t it.  That is the only reason I can truly go on.

I have worked hard to move past all that…to change bad thinking patterns…to love myself…to let go of blame toward others and toward myself, not because their actions or my own didn’t genuinely cause harm, but because holding onto it was unhealthy, and I had to let go.  So now, I talk about it occasionally (some of it) only in the sense of letting people understand a little better about who I am.  But talking about it in terms of dredging up all the horrible pain of it…I don’t want to do that.  Now mind you, I did it for a good while before I came to that place, and letting go of it did not make it all go away and become less of a part of me.  All of those experiences in my life are the colors on the canvas that is my life.  Some are dark and ugly.  Some are bright and beautiful.  Some are subtle, and others are bold.  All is part of that same portrait that is my life.  And it’s not done being painted yet.  I know that there will be more colors of varying shades until I get to go home and be with Jesus, but I want that overall picture to be something beautiful when it’s looked at…not something dreary.  There have been times when the only colors that were being painted on this canvas that is my life were dark, dreary ones.  And then the bright, happy colors came along from time to time and the picture was so much nicer to look at.

When Traci was in preschool, I got a call once from her teacher who was concerned about her.  When I went to the school, the teacher showed me a picture that Traci had drawn.  She had written on the picture, “This is my Mommy.  She is mad and sad.”  I was horrified.  Truth was, that when she would misbehave, in order to not say “Bad girl!” or something like that, I would say things like, “When you do that, that makes Mommy mad and sad.”  🙂  But still…a lot of my children’s childhood experience was with a mother who was mad and sad.  I don’t want my granddaughter’s memories of me to be that way.  I hope that when I get to go to heaven, the people I leave behind will be able to remember my life with joy, not with sorrow because I was so troubled.  And that is NOT a judgment on anyone else’s journey…I promise you.  That is MY thoughts about my own journey and where I am in it.

All this said…my journey has gone on for 55 years…so far.  I am at a different place than others are, and that’s okay.  But one thing I am not, is someone who thinks that people should just get over their troubles…snap their fingers or trust God and forget about it all.  It is much more complex than all of that.  It’s hard work to get past some things.  I have said all of this in various ways many times in the past, so I don’t always say it over and over and repeat what sometimes I guess I assume people already know about me because I’ve said it all before.

Anyway, it’s quiet here this evening.  Grace and I took a nap this afternoon after church, and then went to get Traci from work.  Now they’re gone out with Jen for the evening and will be back later.  I’m going to enjoy the quiet time to myself.

I appreciate all of you here.  I care very much about the hurts and struggles that I see others going through.  I think part of the reason for that is because I have seen plenty of my own…and in some ways still am.  People think I’m an open book…and to a large degree I am.  The title of this blog is “My Life Uncut…Almost”.  There’s not much I hold back, but there is some, and there’s reasons for that.

Love and blessings,

Anne

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About Anne Sikes

"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us." (2 Cor. 4:7) Sharing the journey through daily thoughts and struggles, examination of Scripture, poetry, music and art.
This entry was posted in Faith, Family, journal, Random Thoughts, Relationships and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

43 Responses to Where I’m at

  1. Terra says:

    You’ve said enough sister that has my heart crying out to the Lord for you. Everything does not need to be exposed. Please know that I will lift you up in prayer and keep you in thought. If you need an ear, please feel free to email me. I’ve been down the familiar road. Maybe not to the extent you have but I know how it feels. We’ve all battled storms of some kind and everyone’s road to recovery varies. Keep looking up to the Lord daily. Psalms 121 has always been one of my favorite scriptures to meditate on.

    Love and blessings,
    Terra

  2. Hi Anne, I thought I would come out of my book writing cave to share a few thoughts with you. We both realize there is something odd about the blog world. All we see is these little thumbnail photos of one another, or even worse a photo or drawing of something that is supposed to represent who we are. Then we read each other’s posts and comments. That is all we have, yet something happens that we don’t fully comprehend…we begin to care. We get concerned if we don’t hear from certain bloggers in a while, or we worry over a problem they write about, somehow, they become a part of our lives. Their ups and downs become part of our ups and downs, Their worries morph into our worries. We include them in our prayers. We shed real tears over their dilemmas. Then we rejoice in our hearts when we see their situations work out.

    Where am I going with all this? I want you to know you are not alone. Even though we will probably never meet in person…we (all of us who follow you) are right there with you. When you hurt, we hurt. When you rejoice, we rejoice. Don’t ever think for a moment you are alone. So draw strength from that…know that we are here…feel free to reach out…write what you want…we will always listen…and answer…and support.

    Be encouraged!

  3. What can one say except I do believe you are weary right now physically and emotionally, and just need to take time to rest when you can, and outside the four walls of the house and with your family, and watch the odd silly show on TV. When you’re up to it, time on the computer as there are friends here to support and hopefully encourage you. …Diane p.s. those scriptures are two of the ones that I hold onto and have done so for a long time.

  4. It takes an incredibly strong person to work through depression and you are certainly not alone. Be proud of your struggles because they make you who you are. I hope some good karma comes your way soon 🙂

  5. Pingback: To Anne « kyllingsara

  6. kyllingsara says:

    I started writing a comment to you here, but in true form it became so long that I decided to put it in its own post. 🙂

  7. Grandby says:

    Good night and God bless you Sara, it has been a rough day and night for you. Let the sun shine in the morning on your body, mind and spirit!

  8. Grandby says:

    Good night and God bless you Anne, the same blessings go to you both. May tomorrow the sun shine on you and your mind and spirit, and may you arise with your mind clear and spirit refreshed.
    Stevie

  9. Pink Ninjabi says:

    So very healthy to vent it all out so that’s it not stuck inside. Hope you find cathartic release in your blog writing as we find it a pleasure to be of support 😀

    Pink.

  10. Sweet Anne, Thank you for always being so genuine and open-hearted! I love you, dear friend!! I will contininue to pray for you through the ups and downs. As others have noted, you’re certainly not alone in this battle. John and I have walked quite a journey with his moods, and it all leads us to take one day at at time. If I don’t do that, I’ll be anxious when he’s up (“how long can this last”), or anxious when he’s down (“oh, Lord, not again!”)

    I didn’t log on to promote a book or anything :-), but JUST thought of one that might minister to you. It’s called A Shelter in the Time of Storm: Meditations on God and Trouble, by Paul Tripp. Basically, it’s a small devotional on Psalm 27. If you can’t afford it, email me your address, and I will order you one asap 🙂

    I’m so blessed by your devotion to the Lord and your perseverance in Him. Even if you don’t think so, just the fact that you’e here, now, and still walking with Him speaks volumes! In my heart ❤ Linda

    • Anne Sikes says:

      Thank you Linda. I love you and John, and am so blessed to have you in my life. The moods for me…it’s so weird of a feeling because when I have some kind of moodiness I get so upset over that, that it makes it worse. LOL 🙂 It’s a control issue, I guess. I appreciate your encouragement and understanding so much, and I do know you and John understand very well. God bless you both. I’ll look for that book! Love you much! ♥

  11. My wish for you is to have more better days then way back when.

    I was so down when I could not climb back into a rig thought life was over I WAS WRONG I too like you am so blessed.

    HUG coming at you
    Take more naps
    rest is good for body and soul

  12. arkenaten says:

    You have more inner strength than you are aware of, Anne. As they say, take a deep breath…tomorrow’s another day. You’ll be fine. Oh, and smile when you can…It gives your face something to do, yes? 🙂
    The Ark

    • Anne Sikes says:

      Thanks Ark! 😀 Yes, smiling often does help…you start to feel happier just by the action of it. Some days it’s hard to muster that smile up, but thankfully once again, I got through that ‘spell’…once again. 😉 A friend of my daughter and me stopped by for coffee this afternoon too, and just left. That was nice to visit and jabber on like a bunch of hens and laugh. Ha ha ! 😀 Thank you for your encouragement…it’s greatly appreciated. –Anne

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