I’m very down today. I feel a little like I’ve been run over by a mack truck, and a little like that little girl that I once was. And that’s not anyone else’s fault. It’s just that I took a ride on a bit of an emotional roller coaster yesterday that I’ve been toying with lately anyway. Today I’m drained…sick to my stomach, and very tired.
I have talked some about my own history with depression in my life…to an extent. I do not go into a lot of it. That’s on purpose. I spent years, first not knowing what was going on, and thinking I was crazy because of the feelings I had…being judged by others because of them, etc. I didn’t understand the medical aspect of it and thought I was just weak in character too.
That said, I’m not going to talk about the extent of what I’ve been through in my life right now either…not just the depression, but the many things that very few people know about, and some that nobody knows about. I don’t need to. I spent a long time dealing with those ‘demons’ and moving past it all.
God is good…He has been with me through some trying times, and some horrific ones. He is with me now, and if He wasn’t, I wouldn’t be here. I can promise you I wouldn’t. It is only knowing that He’s here and He loves me and that He works all things for good to those who love Him (Romans 8:28), and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13) that I can go on and have hope. I know that this life here isn’t it. That is the only reason I can truly go on.
I have worked hard to move past all that…to change bad thinking patterns…to love myself…to let go of blame toward others and toward myself, not because their actions or my own didn’t genuinely cause harm, but because holding onto it was unhealthy, and I had to let go. So now, I talk about it occasionally (some of it) only in the sense of letting people understand a little better about who I am. But talking about it in terms of dredging up all the horrible pain of it…I don’t want to do that. Now mind you, I did it for a good while before I came to that place, and letting go of it did not make it all go away and become less of a part of me. All of those experiences in my life are the colors on the canvas that is my life. Some are dark and ugly. Some are bright and beautiful. Some are subtle, and others are bold. All is part of that same portrait that is my life. And it’s not done being painted yet. I know that there will be more colors of varying shades until I get to go home and be with Jesus, but I want that overall picture to be something beautiful when it’s looked at…not something dreary. There have been times when the only colors that were being painted on this canvas that is my life were dark, dreary ones. And then the bright, happy colors came along from time to time and the picture was so much nicer to look at.
When Traci was in preschool, I got a call once from her teacher who was concerned about her. When I went to the school, the teacher showed me a picture that Traci had drawn. She had written on the picture, “This is my Mommy. She is mad and sad.” I was horrified. Truth was, that when she would misbehave, in order to not say “Bad girl!” or something like that, I would say things like, “When you do that, that makes Mommy mad and sad.” 🙂 But still…a lot of my children’s childhood experience was with a mother who was mad and sad. I don’t want my granddaughter’s memories of me to be that way. I hope that when I get to go to heaven, the people I leave behind will be able to remember my life with joy, not with sorrow because I was so troubled. And that is NOT a judgment on anyone else’s journey…I promise you. That is MY thoughts about my own journey and where I am in it.
All this said…my journey has gone on for 55 years…so far. I am at a different place than others are, and that’s okay. But one thing I am not, is someone who thinks that people should just get over their troubles…snap their fingers or trust God and forget about it all. It is much more complex than all of that. It’s hard work to get past some things. I have said all of this in various ways many times in the past, so I don’t always say it over and over and repeat what sometimes I guess I assume people already know about me because I’ve said it all before.
Anyway, it’s quiet here this evening. Grace and I took a nap this afternoon after church, and then went to get Traci from work. Now they’re gone out with Jen for the evening and will be back later. I’m going to enjoy the quiet time to myself.
I appreciate all of you here. I care very much about the hurts and struggles that I see others going through. I think part of the reason for that is because I have seen plenty of my own…and in some ways still am. People think I’m an open book…and to a large degree I am. The title of this blog is “My Life Uncut…Almost”. There’s not much I hold back, but there is some, and there’s reasons for that.
Love and blessings,