I have hurt a friend and must clarify something.

I wrote that post…I think it was last night, about Personal Responsibility.    I actually have been thinking about this in terms of some friends who went through some horrific childhood abuse, and intended to do this post, but just hadn’t done it yet.  In my post I referenced above, I said this:

That’s not always easy…granted.  But it’s better than the alternative.  And with the exception of children who are mistreated by adults, adults usually have some responsibility for situations that happen in their lives.  Not always…that’s true.  I’m not of the belief that some hold…that everything that happens to us is somehow our own fault.

But even with children, when they grow up there comes a time to quit staying back in the past and blaming those adults who mistreated us for bad behaviors and characteristics, when we’re all grown up and it’s time to take responsibility for being the change.

I need to clarify something here.  First of all, I had my own childhood memories that were extremely painful.  Before I could move on, I had to face them and deal with how they had affected me in my life.  I have said that before actually, more than once…I do not believe that a person can just stuff memories of things that happened and brush them off and act like they never happened.  You can’t.  You have to deal with the pain…face it…look it in the eye and go through whatever you must to deal with those things and feel the pain of them.  That’s especially true when it comes to repressed memories.  And there are things others have been through that were far worse than anything I personally did.  I cannot speak for a time of someone’s healing…or a way to go about it precisely.  I still do stand by the statement that as adults, we have to take responsibility as adults and let go of the blame.  But the time for that…the things a person goes through to get to that place…they’re different.  Even me…I went through a lot of years before I truly let go of the anger I felt for my father.  And yeah…I was entirely grown up.  And I DID hate him at one time…for quite awhile when those memories came up.

Now picture someone who was severely and repeatedly sexually abused as a child…for years.  Am I going to tell that person “You’re grown up now…get over it and move on!”  Absolutely not!!  First of all…with any type of childhood abuse, it took years for the layers of feelings and patterns of unhealthy behavior to happen.  You cannot just snap your fingers and suddenly be free of them.

I am sorry for hurting my friend Sara, who posted this in response to that post of mine: Universal Truths.  And I’m sorry for anyone else who I have hurt by any misunderstanding.

As I said…I stand by what I said about taking responsibility as an adult.  But what that means to different individuals is NOT the same.  And certainly in extreme cases of abuse it is very complex and there is no pat answer.

I hope this clears up any misunderstanding.  Again, I apologize for any pain that post of mine caused anyone.




About Anne Sikes

"But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us." (2 Cor. 4:7) Sharing the journey through daily thoughts and struggles, examination of Scripture, poetry, music and art.
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7 Responses to I have hurt a friend and must clarify something.

  1. kyllingsara says:

    Thank you for your disclaimer, Anne. At first I was kind of mad and thought “WTF!!!???”, but I calmed down and decided to work with it instead of against it. You know, making lemons out of lemonade and blah blah. Anyway, your post was actually a gift of sorts. It gave me an opportunity to really think about my own reactions to things – big and small. And the funny thing is that I learned something new about myself through having to think about why I react the way I do and how I can go about it differently to avoid getting so emotionally drained every time I get triggered by something.

    • Anne Sikes says:

      Well I’m glad you said something…got it out. What I really hate is when people don’t, and sometimes a person doesn’t even know they said anything that hurt that person at all…because the intention wasn’t to do so. Certainly mine was not. I had excepted children from the responsibility in my thoughts in that post…and also had said that I don’t believe that all things that happen to any of us, happen because we somehow cause it…or some would even go so far as to say we want those bad things to happen. That’s ludicrous to me! I can see certain situations where it’s subconsciously true…like with enablers of alcoholics or drug addicts, or with people who get so used to abuse that they somehow crave it in a way. I’ve talked about that before…that sometimes people do sort of thrive on dramatic situations…but not that they consciously want them. And I DON’T think that’s the case with you…to be perfectly clear.

      Anyway…no, I would have to really be two faced to have been slamming you or others who’ve gone through things like you have, in that post somehow. Again, sorry you were hurt…but SO glad you said something!!

  2. timzauto says:

    Anne ..I have nominated you for the Versatile , beautiful blogger award ..thanks for your inspiration ..Tim

  3. Pingback: Regarding communication: Personal filters | My Life Uncut…Almost

  4. Pink Ninjabi says:

    Awesome post, and we grow so much through our writing. I’m sure you are much harder on yourself too than necessary, but kind words are always a nice gift to share. 😀


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