I have always been harder on myself than anyone else. No matter what it ‘sounds’ like when I’m defending myself to a person, that is nonetheless true. Matter of fact, if I’m really emphatically defending myself about something, it’s often because it’s a spot where I think the person’s criticism of me is true. Not always though!! Sometimes it’s out of a feeling that I have been misunderstood…that is a HORRIBLE feeling for me, for some reason, and I wish it didn’t bother me so much.
Anyway, there are things I need to work on. One thing is that I don’t have to have the last word. I am getting better about that. But I still have a long way to go. There’s something that feels too much like letting the other person win if they get the last word. 🙂 Truthfully…what does it matter? If you’ve said what you wanted to say already, why is there a need to keep going, no matter what the other person does or says. Let them win, and let it go.
And let me just stop for a minute and say that if you think I may be talking about you, you’re likely wrong. But you could be right. Who knows? LOL Seriously though, this is (mostly) just things in general in regard to all people that I communicate with that I need to work on.
So another thing along the same lines is that I need to not interrupt someone because I’m so anxious to correct them in something I think they have wrong. I didn’t used to do this. I used to have people do it to me all the time though, so somewhere along the way I started doing it and it became a habit…a very unpleasant habit too. I need to take a deep breath, and really listen to the other person and what they’re saying instead of even planning what my response is going to be.
It’s so much easier to communicate on here. SO much easier. If I could just exchange letters with people I’d like it a whole lot better. 🙂 I don’t communicate all that well verbally in conversations.
There are some things I’ve already worked on, that I will not revert back to doing. I will not admit fault and apologize if I don’t think I am wrong. I am not so stubborn as to not admit when I am wrong though. If I am wrong or do something in error, I will admit it and apologize when it’s necessary. But I used to apologize ALL the time…for things that weren’t my fault and for dumb things. That is also a bad habit. If someone has misunderstood me in some way, I might say, “I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear enough.” But I will not say I’m sorry for being who I am, for my thoughts and opinions and ideas and the right I should have to express them. I will not say I’m sorry for just being who I am, in any way. If who I am bothers a person, well…not everyone will get on with each other…that’s just the way it is. I won’t change to try to appease what someone else thinks I should be like. And if a person cares about you, they won’t expect you to…even if your behavior, or quirks or whatever, are frustrating to them.
I am a stubborn person. That is certain. But I am not unkind or unfair with anyone. Misunderstood sometimes, not so much in writing because as I said, it’s easier for me to express myself well in writing. But verbally I can be misunderstood because I have very poor communication skills in just conversations with people. Oh I have excellent communication skills as far as jobs go and dealing with callers or customers. But I’m talking where you’re having a one on one conversation with someone and discussing some controversial thing…or even feelings. Sometimes I do okay, but not usually.
You know what? I think I’m having a hard time even talking about this here in writing, in this blog right now, because some of it does have to do with my feelings. So I’m just going to shut up now. 🙂 I hope my words here at least made a little bit of sense.
Love and blessings,