I came across this old blog, which I wrote somewhere around 5 years ago. I used to blog on MySpace, back when I had pages there. 🙂 I deleted my MySpace pages some time ago.
Just thought I’d share this one. Will comment a little bit more at the end. Also, I mentioned an old photo I was thinking about, and inserted that into the post. It wasn’t in the original blog.
Pulling Up Those Nasty Old Weeds
I guess this blog is a sort of continuation on yesterdays, in a way. Yesterday I was talking about the importance of learning to take criticism gracefully. But where does the difficulty come from, really? It comes from an insecurity rooted down deep that, no matter how beautiful life starts to look, can crop up like weeds in a garden and spoil the whole thing if you don’t take care of it.
So how do you do that then? I was always somewhat insecure. I was looking at a picture of me when I was 15, and the way I was sitting with my chin down, and my toes pointed in toward each other, and I was thinking of how shy I was at that time. Oh, I came out of my shell somewhat, but I have always had difficulty with not feeling quite good enough. So how do you come to a place of maintaining a humility that’s healthy, while recognizing you’re valuable?
Personally, I think it comes from coming to a place of recognizing how God sees us…perhaps as an unfinished ‘work in progress’, but not a piece of junk.
I look at the pictures of myself through the years, and I told Ted one day recently, “You know…I knew I was pretty, because I was always told it, but I honestly never realized how pretty I was.” It’s true, and that’s a very insignificant thing, I know. It’s an outer thing…not an inward thing that really matters. But it still speaks to insecurity within me…never quite feeling good enough, or always thinking everyone else was better.
Is it something that you never really overcome when it’s that deep-rooted…something that you have to continuously work on, just as you only keep a garden free of weeds by maintaining it regularly?
🙂 I don’t have the date that it was written, but I know it was a Friday, anyway. I had saved a bunch of my blogs, copied them into files on the computer. Then I compiled some of them awhile back, and this was from that compilation. Anyway, I want to take note that since I wrote that, I have made great strides in finding more of a balance between healthy humility and confidence. But I still do have trouble with it. I still do worry too much sometimes about what other people might think, or might say. On the one hand I will proclaim wholeheartedly that it doesn’t matter a flip what they think or say, but inside I’m still having thoughts about it, which indicates that it still does in fact matter to me some.
Evenso, when I say I’ve made progress in this area, it’s actually pretty notable progress. Like with my current situation, I feel sad about my marriage breaking up, certainly, (and obviously to any of you who have been reading this blog), and the circumstances surrounding it all. But I honestly have no guilt about it at all. Anything I did in the process of the breakup that I should’ve been sorry about, I was, and apologized sincerely for, and have also dealt with between me and God. My conscience is completely clear in this situation.
But I still can’t help but wonder about the thoughts, or words of others at times. Truthfully, I wonder about it very little though. There was a time where I would’ve been practically consumed by it.
I think looking at these old writings can be good…old journals is really what they were of my life. While it can bring up some melancholy types of feelings in some ways, it also can help me see where I am now in comparison with where I was then. And there has been progress.
Of course, “He’s still workin’ on me,” as the song says. 🙂 And meanwhile, I’ll keep writing it all down along the way…long as I’m able anyway.
Love and blessings,