I was thinking about the fact that I’ve been married twice, and left twice. I can almost see the thoughts in some people’s minds about that…how something must really be wrong with me for that to be the case. You know…firstly let me say it doesn’t matter what people think anyway. That has no bearing on what is true and real. I can take other peoples’ opinions and make it true, but I’m not going to do that. Here’s ‘my’ truth.
In my first marriage, I can see a lot more that I did wrong. We had been married a long time, had children, grown up and grown apart, and I think we were both unhappy for a long time. I could go into all the ways I didn’t wind up being a very good wife, but I’m not going to do that. It was a long time ago, I’ve forgiven myself…and that said, I don’t take all the responsibility. It was issues on both of our parts, and my first husband died in 2001. I loved him, I miss him and wish he was here to enjoy watching our granddaughter grow up, and to be here for our children.
As for this more recent breakup with my husband of almost 6 years, I don’t really know exactly what happened. But I know in my heart that I did my best. Was I perfect in that relationship? Nobody ever is!! I’m not a perfect person, nor is my husband. But I gave in that relationship from my heart, and to the best of my ability. When we separated at the beginning of last year, I had been trying so hard, and failing so badly in my efforts, and going really nutty in the process. That separation, while it was initiated by him, was mutual. I breathed a sigh of relief when he suggested it. But we maintained contact…spoke almost every day, sometimes for hours. We were apart most of last year. Then in September I returned to Atlanta for his daughter’s wedding and stayed a couple of weeks, and had a wonderful time. I came back here, we maintained contact still, and he came here in October for a weekend, and then again at the end of November after telling me he wanted me to come back.
So I went back with him, so happy and thankful for God’s healing of our relationship. When I went back, I honestly thought things were pretty good. I can look back on it and see things differently in ways, but as for how I was, I honestly did my best, took care of him, worked with him, and believed that he was glad to have me back.
We had a big argument the night he stopped talking to me and sent me packing. I was honestly stunned, and incredibly angry too. As for that, I can’t say I acted above board in that situation, but neither did he, and I think it was wrong of him, based on what he said to me the next day, to even bring me back and act lovingly toward me. When I approached him that next day and said I was sorry for how angry I’d gotten, but that we’d both gotten pretty angry, and you don’t break up over one argument that gets heated when you love someone…he replied angrily that it wasn’t just one argument, and I didn’t get that and never would. He said it was the whole last 2 years. So I was understandably stunned, and wondered why he even brought me back there in November?
I will stop here just to say that I do love my husband, but I am reconciled to the end of our marriage. Let’s just say it would take a HUGE miracle of God to repair the damage that was done. That said, nothing is impossible with God…but He would really have to change my heart, because I don’t want to go back. How could I ever trust my husband again? And all of that said…I also have to add that because I do love my husband, even though I think he was wrong to do what he did…he has his own feelings and thoughts in all of this, separate from mine, and his happiness matters to me. His health, welfare, and happiness all matter to me and always will. Oh, in the beginning I was really angry and wanted him to feel the hurt that I felt…even prayed to that end, very briefly. And then I came to my senses and realized that wasn’t what I really felt or wanted at all. I’m not a vengeful or hateful person. If I don’t make him happy, I’m sorry that’s the case, but it’s okay. But that is NOT a reflection on me, either. I will not feel badly about myself…or like I’m somehow not worth anything…some sort of ‘throwaway’ or something. My biggest fault, I think, is that I believe in love and commitment. I believe in it the way it speaks of it in the Bible. “Love bears all things, believes all things, HOPES all things.” I am trusting by nature. I have had moments where my trust diminished because of hurts, but it always comes back, because how in the world can you TRULY love anyone if you can’t TRULY trust? So I called that “my biggest fault”, but I don’t think it’s a fault at all! Isn’t that how it should be?
I have to love myself too. I mean, to think of myself in high enough regard that I realize I have the right to opinions…even if they differ from my husband’s…that I should have the right and freedom to express them without fear of rejection too. I should be able to fully and completely be myself…the ‘me’ that God created me to be, and with all my imperfections and shortcomings…things that if someone loves you, they either help you gently and lovingly to overcome, or they overlook them and instead see your strengths and virtues. Because while I have imperfections and shortcomings, I DO have strengths and virtues too.
So no…I may have been discarded like trash put to the curb, which was what it felt like, but that does not mean in the least that’s what I am.
I told my daughter tonight…and she knows and loves my husband…all my kids still love him dearly, and are able to separate what happened between him and me, with how they feel about both of us…but I told her that I was thinking about him today, and about how I know how hard headed he is, but whatever kind of image he may be ‘putting out there’, so to speak, I’ll bet he’s hurting over this too. And I didn’t mean that in any bad way…just that I do know that he loved me, and I know that at one time we had a good relationship. I am telling you the truth when I say that I honestly don’t know just what happened. I can look back, and I can see things that I didn’t want to see at the time…that I chose to turn my eyes away from. But again, “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things…” I will not feel bad, or wrong, or stupid, for the fact that I applied those things to my marriage. I did, and I do still, love the man. Like I said…I don’t want to go back. I think I would be pretty crazy and simple minded if I did. Again…that’s not to bad mouth him in any way…just the situation as it stands. And I have no reason to believe he would ever want that either.
So here I am, thankful to God for all His mercy and blessings…for the love that He continues to show me daily. I’m thankful to be in school studying for a career, moving forward to a good goal…just putting one foot in front of the other daily. And I am okay, and it will all be okay.
Love and blessings,